Please read and reply

[Grubfisher01]

Name: Peyton       
Address: Roanoke, VA 
Age: 18 
Email: L540LTrigger@yahoo.com 
Sponsors: Lure Tamer 
 
Resume: 

Dear Sir or Madam Director:

My name is Peyton. I am interested in working with your company.  As my sponsor, this is what I can do for you.  I can offer word-of-mouth advertising. I am currently employed by my father in the roofing industry.  This allows me to meet many new people, including fishermen, throughout the state of Virginia.  I can offer you standard logo placement on my tow vehicle and boat.  I will also be able to offer additional exposure oportunities through, logo and decal placement on our 4 service vehicles.  Additional exposure opportunities will lso exist through 2 personal vehicles, and through our company billboard advertisements purchased for display in sports arenas and stadiums.

I am a new father of a 2 month old little girl, and hope to use my dream career to provide  for my fiance and daughter.  My homelake is Smith Mountain Lake.  I also enjoy fishing Roanoke, James, and New River.  Though my status is an amateur, my abilities in fishing and my education in the fishing industry is improving every day.  I feel I do have a lot of skill and expertise that I would be able to offer your company.  I love fishing.


Thank you for reviewing my resume.  I have attached my email address, for follow up replies.  I hope we will be able to work together in the near future.

Thank you

Peyton

[still learnin]

Well, I am certainly no expert, but there are a few things I would change.  One, check your punctuation.  "...Exposure oportunities through, logo and decal placement"...The last sentence should not have a comma after "through".  I would change "As my sponsor..."  to something like " If your company were to sponsor me I could provide the following:...".  Then list what you can do for them.  Also, I would add how many customers you come into contact with on an average day, how many miles your company vehicles travel, etc.. 

Hope that helps.  Now, someone jump onto my post for grammar, punctuation, etc...!

Name: Peyton       
Address: Roanoke, VA 
Age: 18 
Email: L540LTrigger@yahoo.com 
Sponsors: Lure Tamer 
 
Resume: 

Dear Sir or Madam Director:

My name is Peyton. I am interested in working with your company.  As my sponsor, this is what I can do for you.  I can offer word-of-mouth advertising. I am currently employed by my father in the roofing industry.  This allows me to meet many new people, including fishermen, throughout the state of Virginia.  I can offer you standard logo placement on my tow vehicle and boat.  I will also be able to offer additional exposure oportunities through, logo and decal placement on our 4 service vehicles.  Additional exposure opportunities will lso exist through 2 personal vehicles, and through our company billboard advertisements purchased for display in sports arenas and stadiums.

I am a new father of a 2 month old little girl, and hope to use my dream career to provide  for my fiance and daughter.  My homelake is Smith Mountain Lake.  I also enjoy fishing Roanoke, James, and New River.  Though my status is an amateur, my abilities in fishing and my education in the fishing industry is improving every day.  I feel I do have a lot of skill and expertise that I would be able to offer your company.  I love fishing.


Thank you for reviewing my resume.  I have attached my email address, for follow up replies.  I hope we will be able to work together in the near future.

Thank you

Peyton