my resume feedback welcome

[snapozz]

ABOUT ME

Name: Eldon Tyler Taylor II
Birth date/Age: 9/10/1983, 29 years old.
Address: 219 Cove Creek Lane Bedford, Pennsylvania 15522
Hobbies: Other than bass fishing, I enjoy walleye fishing, deer hunting, any kind of shooting sports. As a young man I did a lot of competive shooting. I won a few state championships.
Home Life: I don't have a wife or kids at the moment, although you never know when the rite woman will come along. I'm in the construction field now, roofing mainly. Not my perfect job, but it pays the bills for now.
Why I Enjoy Fishing: It's hard to put into words. As a boy I loved the fact that it was just me and my Grandfather on the water. Now I just enjoy the time I spend outdoors on the water. Nothing in life can come close to the feeling that you get, when you hook a five pound bass.
Fishing Style: I am a mix between a power fisherman and a finesse fisherman. I do both really well. Deep cracking would be my weakest point, shallow water fishing would be my strength.

HOW CAN I HELP YOUR COMPANY

You will have a link form my website.
I will rep your product with respect and answer all questions.
I will use face book to let anglers know about your product.
I will use local tackle shop's to stock your product.
I will wear your company's name on my fishing jersey with pride.
Will do any kind of marketing that mite need done.
Will do seminars with your product.
Use your company's name to sponsor a local juniors fishing derby
I will do sport shows for your company, to show how great your product is.
I will always represent your company and product with respect and the highest moral value.
I will give you feedback on what I think, and what other anglers tell me about your product. I will let you know if another company has a better product and why.

BACKGROUND

I have been a bass fisherman since I was 6 years old, my Grandfather started me in the sport. We fished tournaments from the time I was 6 till I was 15 then he stopped, I got a boat and started fishing on my own or with friends. I got back into tournament fishing about 6 years ago, and love every minute of it.
I've been mainly fishing local tournaments, but am looking forward to moving up to the B.A.S.S Opens or FLW Ever Start series. I have dreamed of fishing as a pro ever since I was a small child, I remember Bob Cobb hosting the B.A.S.S. trail. An I thought I am going to do that when I grow up, (Not hosting but fishing)  Now it's time to try.

LAST YEARS TOURNAMENTS
Trolling Motors Only Fishing Series Tournaments:


6/23: Meadow Grounds Lake 14th place. The worst showing all year.
7/14: Shawnee Lake 12th place.
7/21: Meadow Grounds Lake 3rd place. My best showing all year.
8/18: Meadow Grounds Lake 9th place.
8/25: Canoe Creek Lake 11th place.
9/08: Shawnee Lake 9th place.
9/15: Meadow Grounds Lake 13th place.
10/07: Meadow Grounds Lake 3rd place.
10/14 Championship Tournament: Meadow Grounds Lake 6th place,
I was in 8th place overall for Angler of the year in the T.M.O standings.
Other Tournaments:
6/15: Glendale Lake 23rd place out of 155 teams.
7/29: Glendale Lake 8th place out of 45 teams.
9/19: Raystown Lake 10th place out of 55 teams.

THIS YEARS PLANS

I am planning on fishing eleven T.M.O. (Trolling Motors Only series.) events this year, along with a Raystown series of four tournaments, I will also be fishing two tournaments at Glendale Lake.(Witch there is 100 teams there.) I am planning on entering a FLW Everstart events as a co-angler this year, and a B.A.S.S Open or two, if my founds allow it. I hope next year everything works out this year and I can fish as a pro angler next year.
T.M.O Tournaments:
4/06 Canoe Creek Lake State Park; Hollidaysburg, Pa
6/22 Canoe Creek Lake State Park; Hollidaysburg, Pa
6/29 Shawnee Lake; State Park Shellsburg, Pa
7/13 Canoe Creek Lake State Park; Hollidaysburg, Pa
7/20 Somerset Lake; Somerset, Pa
8/03 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
8/17 Shawnee Lake; State Park Shellsburg, Pa
9/14 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
9/29 Shawnee Lake State Park; Shellsburg, Pa
10/14 Shawnee Lake State Park; Shellsburg, Pa
Glendale Tournaments:
6/16 Glendale Lake State Park; Portage, Pa
7/27 Glendale Lake State Park; Portage, Pa

Raystown Lake Tournaments:
3/23 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
4/07 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
9/08 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
10/06 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
FLW Ever Start Tournaments:
5/09 - 5/11 Wheeler Lake; Rogersville, AL
B.A.S.S Open tournaments:
5/16 -5/18 James River; Pell City, AL
10/17 -10/19 Ross Barnett; Reservoir Ridgeland Mississippi

SPONSORS

I currently only have a few local sponsors, none in the fishing industry. I am always looking for a new sponsor with a great product. I have a few stores that stock baits for me, and always like to tell my facebook friends, and other anglers about new products.

T.M.O INFORMATION :

T.M.O website:  http://http://bfrnews.wix.com/tmo#!
Team name: Rusty Hook

I would like to thank you for looking over my resume, I know your time is limited and I really do thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to look.
Thank You Very Much!

Yours Truly,

Eldon Taylor II
219 Cove Creek lane,
Bedford, Pennsylvania 15522

[Mike Cork]

ABOUT ME

Name: Eldon Tyler Taylor II
Birth date/Age: 9/10/1983, 29 years old.
Address: 219 Cove Creek Lane Bedford, Pennsylvania 15522
Hobbies: Other than bass fishing, I enjoy walleye fishing, deer hunting, any kind of shooting sports. As a young man I did a lot of competive shooting. I won a few state championships.
Home Life: I don't have a wife or kids at the moment, although you never know when the rite woman will come along. I'm in the construction field now, roofing mainly. Not my perfect job, but it pays the bills for now.You should always be positive about what you do, no matter what find the good, don't tell possible employers that you are unhappy where you're at, they'll wonder if you'll be unhappy working for them and what you'll say about it. If your not married don't say that, it's not a bad thing to not be married but don't state it, just say you're single and have free time to help the company
Why I Enjoy Fishing: It's hard to put into words. As a boy I loved the fact that it was just me and my Grandfather on the water. Now I just enjoy the time I spend outdoors on the water. Nothing in life can come close to the feeling that you get, when you hook a five pound bass.
Fishing Style: I am a mix between a power fisherman and a finesse fisherman. I do both really well. Deep cracking would be my weakest point, shallow water fishing would be my strength.

HOW CAN I HELP YOUR COMPANY

You will have a link form my website.
I will rep your product with respect and answer all questions.
I will use face book to let anglers know about your product.
I will use local tackle shop's to stock your product.
I will wear your company's name on my fishing jersey with pride.
Will do any kind of marketing that mite need done.Might? That's what it's all about, you need to find ways to do this
Will do seminars with your product.
Use your company's name to sponsor a local juniors fishing derby
I will do sport shows for your company, to show how great your product is.
I will always represent your company and product with respect and the highest moral value.
I will give you feedback on what I think, and what other anglers tell me about your product. I will let you know if another company has a better product and why.Companies have already done their field testing, and probably don't want to be told why their product is inferior. You always have to find the best in their product

BACKGROUND

I have been a bass fisherman since I was 6 years old, my Grandfather started me in the sport. We fished tournaments from the time I was 6 till I was 15 then he stopped, I got a boat and started fishing on my own or with friends. I got back into tournament fishing about 6 years ago, and love every minute of it.
I've been mainly fishing local tournaments, but am looking forward to moving up to the B.A.S.S Opens or FLW Ever Start series. I have dreamed of fishing as a pro ever since I was a small child, I remember Bob Cobb hosting the B.A.S.S. trail. An I thought I am going to do that when I grow up, (Not hosting but fishing)  Now it's time to try.

LAST YEARS TOURNAMENTS
Trolling Motors Only Fishing Series Tournaments:


6/23: Meadow Grounds Lake 14th place. The worst showing all year.
7/14: Shawnee Lake 12th place.
7/21: Meadow Grounds Lake 3rd place. My best showing all year.
8/18: Meadow Grounds Lake 9th place.
8/25: Canoe Creek Lake 11th place.
9/08: Shawnee Lake 9th place.
9/15: Meadow Grounds Lake 13th place.
10/07: Meadow Grounds Lake 3rd place.
10/14 Championship Tournament: Meadow Grounds Lake 6th place,
I was in 8th place overall for Angler of the year in the T.M.O standings.
Other Tournaments:
6/15: Glendale Lake 23rd place out of 155 teams.
7/29: Glendale Lake 8th place out of 45 teams.
9/19: Raystown Lake 10th place out of 55 teams.

THIS YEARS PLANS

I am planning on fishing eleven T.M.O. (Trolling Motors Only series.) events this year, along with a Raystown series of four tournaments, I will also be fishing two tournaments at Glendale Lake.(Witch there is 100 teams there.) I am planning on entering a FLW Everstart events as a co-angler this year, and a B.A.S.S Open or two, if my founds allow it. I hope next year everything works out this year and I can fish as a pro angler next year.
T.M.O Tournaments:
4/06 Canoe Creek Lake State Park; Hollidaysburg, Pa
6/22 Canoe Creek Lake State Park; Hollidaysburg, Pa
6/29 Shawnee Lake; State Park Shellsburg, Pa
7/13 Canoe Creek Lake State Park; Hollidaysburg, Pa
7/20 Somerset Lake; Somerset, Pa
8/03 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
8/17 Shawnee Lake; State Park Shellsburg, Pa
9/14 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
9/29 Shawnee Lake State Park; Shellsburg, Pa
10/14 Shawnee Lake State Park; Shellsburg, Pa
Glendale Tournaments:
6/16 Glendale Lake State Park; Portage, Pa
7/27 Glendale Lake State Park; Portage, Pa

Raystown Lake Tournaments:
3/23 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
4/07 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
9/08 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
10/06 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
FLW Ever Start Tournaments:
5/09 - 5/11 Wheeler Lake; Rogersville, AL
B.A.S.S Open tournaments:
5/16 -5/18 James River; Pell City, AL
10/17 -10/19 Ross Barnett; Reservoir Ridgeland Mississippi

SPONSORS

I currently only have a few local sponsors, none in the fishing industry.Instead of this, state I have non endemic sponsors - then list them- I am always looking for a new sponsor with a great product.This sounds like you're looking for a hand out, you've built a resume so they know you're looking for support I have a few stores that stock baits for me, and always like to tell my facebook friends, and other anglers about new products.

T.M.O INFORMATION :

T.M.O website:  http://http://bfrnews.wix.com/tmo#!
Team name: Rusty Hook

I would like to thank you for looking over my resume, I know your time is limited and I really do thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to look.
Thank You Very Much!

Yours Truly,

Eldon Taylor II
219 Cove Creek lane,
Bedford, Pennsylvania 15522

I only had a few minutes but I seen this here and wanted to point out a couple things. MAKE SURE your grammar and spelling are correct, proof read, but that's why you have it here correct  I've also made a few other comments in bold. Finally it's spelled Facebook

[upbhoop]

First - Great feedback Mike.  It's nice to see someone who cares so much for their fellow angler.

Second - I'm not a sponsored tournament angler, but I managed and hired sales people for years and you're really asking these folks to be an extension of their sales team.  With that said;

There are still more spelling errors.  (witch/which - founds/funds).  Copy and paste the whole thing into Microsoft Word or another program and let it point out all the errors for you.  No room for mistakes here.  Communication skills would be a main concern of mine if I was looking to sponsor anglers. 

"Think", "May", "Probably" or any other words that are not definitive need to change. Same goes with statements.  For example "I have dreamed of fishing as a pro ever since I was a small child," can be written "It has been my goal to become a professional angler since I was a child."  Instead of saying you plan on entering a FLW tournament if funds allow, "I am currently seeking sponsorship and planning logistics to enter an Everstart FLW tournament at XXXXX lake".  The difference here is that you are saying that you are taking action to make things happen instead of hoping that circumstances work out.

Last but not least, you seem to consistently place high in your outings.  Make that part of your closing.  Basically state that you're a winner, you have an ability to promote their product with an established audience, and you would love the opportunity to discuss opportunities further.

I hope this helps.  Good luck.

[snapozz]

wow I thought I did a decent job with the proof reading, but wow I guess I didn't. lol
I love the points you all have made, gotta go to word and make some adjustments.( just like fishing lol)
I would like to thank you all on ulitmatebass for the great help... I mean this is what makes this a great site, anywhere else and I wouldn't have got this kinda help. thanks guys 

after i make some changes ill post it and you tell me if it is any better thanks agian

[Nelsonv1975]

If I added anything I would just be repeating what the others said. Some great advice already given. Listen to these folks and you'll be fine. Just remember there will be many no's and few yes's in the beginning. Don't get discouraged.

[snapozz]

I have made a few changes and would like you to see if i have made any other mistakes. also thanks for the great feedback guys



ABOUT ME

Name: Eldon Tyler Taylor II
Birth date/Age: 9/10/1983, 29 years old.
Address: 219 Cove Creek Lane Bedford, Pennsylvania 15522
Phone #: (814)-761-9131
Hobbies: Other than bass fishing, I enjoy walleye fishing, deer hunting, any kind of shooting sports. As a young man I did a lot of compitive shooting. I won a few state championships.
Home Life: I am currently single, and have more then enough time to do what ever task you may need.  I am in the construction field I enjoy the work, but would love to work in the fishing industry.
Why I Enjoy Fishing: It's hard to put into words. As a boy I loved the fact that it was just me and my Grandfather on the water. Now I just enjoy the time I spend outdoors on the water. Nothing in life can come close to the feeling that you get, when you hook a five pound bass.
Fishing Style: I am a mix between a power fisherman and a finesse fisherman. I do both really well. Deep cranking would be my weakest point, shallow water fishing would be my strength.

HOW CAN I  HELP  YOUR  COMPANY

You will have a link from my website.
I will rep your product with respect and answer all and any questions.
I will use facebook to let anglers know about your product.
I will use local tackle shop's to stock your product.
I will wear your company's name on my fishing jersey with pride.
Will do everything in my power to promote your products.
Will do seminars with your product.
Use your company's name to sponsor a local juniors fishing derby
I will do sport shows for your company, to show how great your product is.
I will always represent your company and product with respect and the highest moral value.

BACKGROUND

I have been a bass fisherman since I was 6 years old, my Grandfather started me in the sport. We fished tournaments from the time I was 6 till I was 15 then he stopped, I got a boat and started fishing on my own or with friends. I got back into tournament fishing about 6 years ago, and love every minute of it.
I've been mainly fishing local tournaments, but am looking forward to moving up to the B.A.S.S Opens or FLW Ever Start series. It has been a goal of mine to fish professional  ever since I was a child.
LAST YEARS TOURNAMENTS
Trolling Motors Only Fishing Series Tournaments:


6/23: Meadow Grounds Lake 14th place. The worst showing all year.
7/14: Shawnee Lake 12th place.
7/21: Meadow Grounds Lake 3rd place. My best showing all year.
8/18: Meadow Grounds Lake 9th place.
8/25: Canoe Creek Lake 11th place.
9/08: Shawnee Lake 9th place.
9/15: Meadow Grounds Lake 13th place.
10/07: Meadow Grounds Lake 3rd place.
10/14 Championship Tournament: Meadow Grounds Lake 6th place,
I was in 8th place overall for Angler of the year in the T.M.O standings.
Other Tournaments:
6/15: Glendale Lake 23rd place out of 155 teams.
7/29: Glendale Lake 8th place out of 45 teams.
9/19: Raystown Lake 10th place out of 55 teams.

THIS YEARS PLANS

I am fishing eleven T.M.O. (Trolling Motors Only series.) events this year, along with a Raystown series of four tournaments, I will also be fishing two tournaments at Glendale Lake.( There will be over 100 teams there.) I am seeking sponsorship and planning on entering a FLW Everstart events as a co-angler this year, and a B.A.S.S Open or two,.
T.M.O Tournaments:
4/06 Canoe Creek Lake State Park; Hollidaysburg, Pa
6/22 Canoe Creek Lake State Park; Hollidaysburg, Pa
6/29 Shawnee Lake; State Park Shellsburg, Pa
7/13 Canoe Creek Lake State Park; Hollidaysburg, Pa
7/20 Somerset Lake; Somerset, Pa
8/03 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
8/17 Shawnee Lake; State Park Shellsburg, Pa
9/14 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
9/29 Shawnee Lake State Park; Shellsburg, Pa
10/14 Shawnee Lake State Park; Shellsburg, Pa
Glendale Tournaments:
6/16 Glendale Lake State Park; Portage, Pa
7/27 Glendale Lake State Park; Portage, Pa
Raystown Lake Tournaments:
3/23 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
4/07 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
9/08 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
10/06 Raystown Lake; Huntington, Pa
FLW Ever Start Tournaments:
5/09 - 5/11 Wheeler Lake; Rogersville, AL
B.A.S.S Open tournaments:
5/16 -5/18 James River; Pell City, AL
10/17 -10/19 Ross Barnett; Reservoir Ridgeland Mississippi

SPONSORS

I currently have all local non-endemic sponsors. They are B&R Garage, Interchange Parts,  Country Kettle. Maybe you?

Inclosing I would like to say that I constantly place very high in tournaments and have the ability to promote your product to an established audience, and I would love the opportunity to discuss this farther with you.





I would like to thank you for looking over my resume, I know your time is limited and I really do thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to look.
Thank You Very Much !


Yours Truly,

Eldon Taylor II
219 Cove Creek lane,
Bedford, Pennsylvania 15522



T.M.O INFORMATION :
T.M.O website:  http://http://bfrnews.wix.com/tmo#!
Team name: Rusty Hook

[upbhoop]

Sweet!  Nice improvement.  Looks lean and hungry.  One last word - 3 words from the end "farther" should be "further".  They are are commonly interchanged, but Farher tends to be used for distance where further is "to a greater degree".

Nice work.